Where to begin...at the end, where it all started

I am having a bad day. I've had several bad days since June 4, 2103, when I went to see my doctor about a problem I thought would be routine with a quick fix. In May, I had noticed a vaginal discharge. Okay, let me just say here, that I'm going to be talking about some things that my body has been doing that aren't pleasant, so if that bothers you, get out while you can. So, I had been having a vaginal discharge, that I thought was a yeast infection, and I'd treated it with over the counter meds, but the discharge was still there. Then I noticed the color had changed to a light brown, so I thought it might be blood and decided to see my doctor. She did an exam and sent me to a GYN. The GYN also saw the blood and a small mass in my vagina, and she did a DRE, digital rectal exam, where digit = finger, rectal = ass, and exam = test. She felt a mass in my rectum, which I now call the "mass in my ass," which was not Pretty Boy Rhoid, my hemorrhoid. She also had a technician in her office do an ultrasound of my vagina, which involved taking a long, fat wand, lubing it up with gel, and inserting it in my vagina. She then twirled it around until I said "uncle" which didn't make her stop, but it did bring forth an apology when I groaned. I told her it was not her fault. She finally stopped when she had finished the test. The GYN also did a Pap test and sent me to a colorectal surgeon.  

Before I saw the colorectal surgeon on June 18, I went to get a CT scan done of my pelvic area. I had to drink a foul tasting liquid first, and then I was taken to a room where I got an IV. At this point, I will tell you that I HATE needles and blood and I was scared, so getting the IV did not help my mood.  I had to have the IV, so they could shoot some dye in me for contrast. The colorectal doctor did a DRE (if you don't remember what that means, look up) and she also asked me to kneel down on a small bench attached to and under a table. Then they pushed some buttons and my head went down and my ass went up, and they draped a piece of paper with a hole in it over my ass, so that all they could see was the eye of my ass looking back at them. I don't recall what all was done at that point, but I remember something being inserted into the eye of my ass, so that she could see what was in there with Pretty Boy Rhoid. It was a large mass (5.6 cm x 4.6 cm) of something that had silently shown up unannounced and unwelcome and was making itself at home and growing in the process. God only knows what it was living on in there!

When I left the colorectal doctor's office, I had a prescription to get the ingredients for a colonoscopy scheduled the next day, June 19. These ingredients, which tasted terrible and made me unable to leave the bathroom for any length of time, were also expensive. A small bottle of this shit which makes you shit costs $81, and it tastes like shit!  I don't mind paying that kind of money for champagne, but this is a foul tasting, salty liquid that they try to dress up with sweet flavors and the result is disastrous. I had had a "clean" colonoscopy three years ago, but here I was having another, and still not loving it. If you have not had a colonoscopy, you are not missing anything.  But they are important for finding tumors in the colon, so you'd better have one when it's time. The prep is worse than the colonoscopy, because you are very awake and aware of your rear end during the prep, but you are asleep and unaware of anything when they do the test. You are also aware of how terrible it tastes going down, but here's a tip. The stuff I had was already flavored and it was some gross berry flavor. The doctor's office told me to get some limes and put them in the drink and bite a lemon before I took a swig, because it deadens the taste buds. I had seen people bite into lemons before, and it made my mouth pucker. I never thought I could bite into one, but I was biting lemons like a trooper. The other trick was to use a straw. So I got all the stuff down, except for a small amount at the end of the second serving, because I started to gag. I decided to leave well enough alone and keep what I had down, down. So I threw the little bit that was left down the drain. I don't recall the drain suddenly being freed up at that point, but it wouldn't have surprised me. I then spent the next few hours on the toilet where my boy dog, Finn, sat with me, because he was in the perfect spot to be petted.  He would like me to have a colonoscopy every day. I can't help him. 

My colonoscopy was not scheduled until 11:00, and I couldn't eat anything after midnight.  I was able to let it all hang down, though. So, I was hungry when I arrived at the hospital. And I listened to the nurses talk about food that they liked and what they were having for lunch. And I filled out more forms very similar to all the other forms I'd been filling out at every doctors' office and hospital that I'd been to in the last two weeks. It was good practice and I remembered who I was and what medications I was on and what dosage I took and where I worked and on and on. I also got another IV and two "sticks" in my right arm. The left arm had already been deemed no good for sticking by a previous nurse on another occasion. When this nurse tried to put it in my right arm near my wrist, it didn't work and it hurt like hell, so she moved up to the crook in my arm on the other side of my elbow. Oh, how we laughed! I was able to relax when she got it in and they started pumping something in me to sustain me. I think it was saline. They may have given me something to make me happier, but I don't recall. They wheeled me back to the chamber of horrors where the colonoscopy was to take place. There were two nurses and two doctors waiting for me. Because I was having a colonoscopy and an internal ultrasound, I had to be sedated - I had written that "I had to be put to sleep" but that reminds me of what happens to pets that are in a bad way. One of the doctors was an anesthesiologist and the other was the colorectal surgeon. I first said to the group, "I'd like to thank you all for being here today." That was followed by an announcement that if I saw my ass on Facebook that evening, I was coming back to get them all.  The anesthesiologist said there were already plenty of asses on Facebook. One nurse and the colorectal doctor were lubing up another magic wand - this thing was about two feet long and fat and looked rigid, and I wondered where the hell it was going. I decided to tell everyone about my hemorrhoid, which I affectionately call Pretty Boy Rhoid. I would not have named my hemorrhoid, but my good buddy and neighbor thinks that we should name them, so I did it for her, and because I love naming things. Her husband's is named "Jimmy the Hemmie" and although my buddy does not have a hemorrhoid, she is ready with a name when one comes along. Her hemorrhoid will be "Grapes of Wrath."