Wheel..........of..........Ostomy!

In case you're wondering - I know I am! - my visit to the colorectal doctor was a bit stressful yesterday.  I didn't really hear much that I wasn't expecting, but it was still troubling.  

First, I still really like my doctor and her staff. Everyone is very kind and compassionate, but they have a sense of humor and are not stuffy. They are used to dealing with assholes, and you need a sense of humor if your job involves that on a daily basis. 

Before "my" doctor came in, a young male doctor came in to gather some information, or it may have been a quiz to see if I remembered what I'd told everyone else this past month. My brother and sister-in-law were there with me (as they have been for all my doctors' meetings) and they now know everything there is to know about the size of my pre and post cancer stools, how frequently I pooped before the cancer, how frequently I poop now, what surgeries I've had, the drugs I take, my hemorrhoid's name, and other fun facts about my incredibly exciting life, both pre and post cancer. I may let them answer next time to see if they've been listening. After I'd told him all the correct memorized answers, I asked him a question. His response was that he really didn't know. I accused him of being a man off the street wearing a dress shirt and tie with a white jacket who just came in to get some cheap thrills by asking me all the personal questions in front of my family. 

Then "my" doctor came in and sat up on the examination table and went over many things, including the need to divert the waste from the fistula by performing an ileostomy or colostomy on me - next Wednesday, for anyone who wants to come watch from the grandstand and drop Junior Mints in my stoma. Which type of surgery I get will be determined by my doctor, my digestive system, the type of chemo I am going to have, and probably some other factors that I can't recall or never heard. An ileostomy is when they make the stoma (Greek for "mouth") in the small intestine (on the right side). The stoma made from the small intestine is smaller than one made from the larger intestine, because the small intestine has a smaller diameter than the large intestine. The ileostomy stoma is really unattractive and looks a bit like a red, wrinkly plug. You can Google "stoma" and see some photos, but I don't recommend it. How many of you just got back from Googling "stoma" and no longer have an appetite? I am not really sure what the colostomy stoma looks like because the pictures were making me ill, but I think it's wider. 

I need a disclaimer here. I am not intentionally misleading you in my synopsis of the treatments, therapies, and surgeries, but all of what I report may not be accurate. I'm going from memory and notes, and my memory is terrible, and I can hardly read my own hand writing. So do your own research, if you find yourself in a similar situation. And pray to God that you don't find yourself in a similar situation.

Okay, so it's better to get an ileostomy instead of a colostomy, except if the chemo gives me explosive diarrhea. That could cause severe dehydration because all the salts are removed from the waste. I may have not said that just right, but I do believe that they said that ileostomy + diarrhea = severe dehydration. I just went to read about ileostomy to verify what I'd said, but I got sidetracked about emptying the bag. The site (and the nurse in my doctor's office) said to stand facing the toilet, which is fine at home, but in a women's public restroom, aren't other women going to wonder why I'm standing facing the toilet for any length of time? Not to mention the cursing they are going to hear, followed by hysterical laughter or possibly tears. The rest of the event involves crouching over the toilet a bit, putting some toilet paper in the toilet to keep splashing down, cleaning the inside and outside of the tail of the pouch with toilet paper (apparently, there will be no savings here at all!) and closing the tail of the pouch. Gee, it takes an already not one of my favorite things and makes it more labor intensive, not to mention bringing me in closer contact with the poop. I know my shit stinks! My favorite sentence on the ileostomy site was this: "Ask your nurse about spraying non-stick oil inside the pouch to keep stool from sticking to it." Me (knocking on the stall next to mine in a public restroom), "Excuse me, but do you have any PAM Organic Olive Oil No-Stick Cooking Spray on you? I seem to have left mine at home, and my stool is waaaay stickier than I like." 

And I think it may be more likely that a permanent ostomy will be in the cards, if I wake up with a colostomy rather than an ileostomy. But, there are a lot of factors involved in the permanent scenario. One is how badly the fistula expands from the radiation. It can become irreparable. Basically, I will probably have to wait until the treatments are over to know whether I need to get some designer ostomy pouches or not. But, I am very confident that if there's any way to resection my insides and get me back to sitting on the toilet instead of crouching over it, my doctor can do it. The nurse showed me a few ostomy pouches in her office which had very clever and original sayings like "Shit happens!" and one had a bunch of monkeys in a jungle scene - I am unsure of the meaning of that one. I do recall that after the chimpanzee show at the St. Louis Zoo, when everyone filed out on either side of the gorilla enclosure, the apes would joyfully fling poop at the crowd, and there were not many places to run to while in that huddled mass. So, if I were you, I would stay on whatever good side of me you can find - definitely not in front of me, though - after I have the ostomy surgery, unless you've got an escape route. The nurse also pointed out that the people who had made the pouches had sewed the "tails" shut, which meant you have to take the designer pouch off, before you empty the poop bag. At the time, I agreed with her, that that was a bad design. But upon further reflection, I think it's probably smart. Because what if the fabric pouch slides down while you're cleaning out the bag? Then what? I don't think I'd be carrying that fabric pouch around with unsalty, stickier than usual shit on it. There's so much to think about, and so much to learn. But it's late, and I've got to go get some food (compliments of several cooking friends who deliver!) and enjoy the last few days of wiping my ass and not needing PAM Organic Olive Oil No-Stick Cooking Spray for a few more days.