I met with Dr. BigHands today, and he earned his name again. He warned me during my first exam many months ago that this exam would be very painful, and he was right. Thanks to the radiation, my vagina and rectum are apparently smaller, narrower, and less supple. I had to be physically (manually) examined in both my vagina and rectum. I almost broke his nurse's hand when I grabbed it and squeezed it, while he was doing his exams. First, was the vagina and he did a forceful 365 degree exam, then the rectum with the same process, then both simultaneously, but without the 365 degree turns. What fun! What glee! I'm pretty sure that for part of the exam, my ass totally lifted off the table. When I left, I asked the receptionists if they heard me yelling "Ouch, ouch, ouch!!!" during the exam, but apparently, the doors were thick enough to muffle my screams.
I mentioned to him that I didn't think I'd be able to have sex again, so he told his nurse to get me some dilators which I had read about. You get varying sizes of these things that look like dildos without any curves (hallelujah!) and some lubricant and insert them for 10 minutes 3 times a week, trying to undo the radiation damage and increase the size of the vagina. She gave me two sizes and a tube of lubricant in a small brown bag, so that it looked like I was carrying a bottle of beer when I left. As I laid the brown bag down in the car, I was thinking about how it would look if the police pulled me over and wanted to see what was in the brown bag. I was hoping I had the instructions handy, so I could show them what they were for.
After the painful exam, Dr. BigHands announced that the cancer was gone, and that he was very happy. I was happy, too, and I'll be even happier if the MRI scan in a few days confirms his findings. I will also get a CT scan later this month - the CT scan will show the lymph nodes and the MRI will show any mass that is there. And in mid-February, I will meet with the colorectal surgeon to see if she can reverse the colostomy. Dr. BigHands still stands by his prediction that I will have the colostomy forever, although, he said the fistula was actually smaller. I told him I still wanted to meet with her to see what she says. He said he would be delighted if she could reverse it, because then she could help a lot of his patients.
My first trip to the bathroom when I got home was electrifying. When I started to pee, it felt like I was being stabbed, similar to what happened when my skin broke down during radiation, and the uric acid went in the open sores. So, I'll have to put some prescription cream on the "wound" and pour water between my legs when I pee to dilute the acid and reduce the pain. But, it's a small price to pay for the good news I got today.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
Hurry up and wait!
My last radiation treatment was on December 4, 2013. Because the radiation keeps working after the treatments end, I must wait to get the CT scans done. I am also waiting to meet with three of my doctors. I'll see Dr. BigHands, the radiation oncologist, on 1/20 for a physical exam. On 1/29, I will get the two CT scans and will meet with my Medical Oncologist to go over the results on 2/3. Then on 2/11, I will meet with the colorectal surgeon to discuss whether the colostomy can be reversed. Radiation can cause the fistula to enlarge, which might make the reversal difficult or impossible. I am reeeealy hoping that the colostomy can be reversed.
Not much else is going on, I'm just in a healing and waiting mode. I have gone back to the office and am working full-time there. I prefer working from home, but I like being back at work, because there's a group I walk with at lunch, and now I'm able to join them and get some exercise. Last week, I got in 5 days of 10,000 steps/day (5 miles), which I haven't done since I first was diagnosed back in July. This is also good because I get a lot of laughs during our walks. One day, I laughed for about 5 minutes straight, to the point of tears. Even now, when the key words "Come, Follow Me" are spoken, we all laugh. (You had to be there.)
I'm eating okay, but food has lost its appeal. It's nothing to do with the taste, because everything tastes okay. I just have a hard time coming up with foods that sound good. Salads, fish, and beef are on the short list of appealing foods. My sweet tooth has not come back, but I think that's probably okay.
My hair is coming back, but at a painfully slow rate. I wear a hat most of the time, just because my head gets chilly otherwise. I must have heard 1000 times how lots of people's hair grew back a different color and texture after they had chemo. I can't tell the texture yet, but mine is grey which is what it was before it all fell out. I was hoping for curly red hair.
I still haven't gained all my weight back, but I'd like to not get to the weight I was previously anyway. I think I'm within 5 pounds of my desired weight.
I've started reading for pleasure again. After my brother's suicide, I started reading books about suicide and death, and when I was diagnosed, I started reading about cancer and healing. Now I'm reading light and funny novels and would love some book titles, if you have any to suggest.
I ended the year with another trauma. I was walking my three dogs on our regular route, and we were walking down a small hill when Finn, my Golden boy, decided to do his stop, drop, and roll at my feet. He does this 5 or 6 times when we get to the grassy area, but usually, he is on my side or far enough in front that I can stop. This time, I couldn't stop, and I also had some momentum from the other two dogs pulling me downhill on their leashes. So, I catapulted head first into the ground - my arms were out at my sides holding the leashes. I landed on my nose and was wearing sunglasses which dug into the bridge of my nose. I heard a crunching sound in my neck. I had grass in my mouth. After I composed myself, I rolled over and sat up. I felt my teeth with my tongue to see if they were all still there and in one piece. My teeth were fine. I sat there for a bit and saw the three dogs in front of me, still on their leashes. Finn was behind Shelby and his expression said "I have no idea what just happened." Shelby came up and licked me on the face. I think she "got it." Tess also looked bewildered. We continued on the walk. I wish I had a video of the free fall, because I am sure it was funny.
I was happy to see 2014, although I didn't ring it in. I'm hoping for a better year and getting good CT scans and reversing the colostomy would be a great start. Wish me luck!
Not much else is going on, I'm just in a healing and waiting mode. I have gone back to the office and am working full-time there. I prefer working from home, but I like being back at work, because there's a group I walk with at lunch, and now I'm able to join them and get some exercise. Last week, I got in 5 days of 10,000 steps/day (5 miles), which I haven't done since I first was diagnosed back in July. This is also good because I get a lot of laughs during our walks. One day, I laughed for about 5 minutes straight, to the point of tears. Even now, when the key words "Come, Follow Me" are spoken, we all laugh. (You had to be there.)
I'm eating okay, but food has lost its appeal. It's nothing to do with the taste, because everything tastes okay. I just have a hard time coming up with foods that sound good. Salads, fish, and beef are on the short list of appealing foods. My sweet tooth has not come back, but I think that's probably okay.
My hair is coming back, but at a painfully slow rate. I wear a hat most of the time, just because my head gets chilly otherwise. I must have heard 1000 times how lots of people's hair grew back a different color and texture after they had chemo. I can't tell the texture yet, but mine is grey which is what it was before it all fell out. I was hoping for curly red hair.
I still haven't gained all my weight back, but I'd like to not get to the weight I was previously anyway. I think I'm within 5 pounds of my desired weight.
I've started reading for pleasure again. After my brother's suicide, I started reading books about suicide and death, and when I was diagnosed, I started reading about cancer and healing. Now I'm reading light and funny novels and would love some book titles, if you have any to suggest.
I ended the year with another trauma. I was walking my three dogs on our regular route, and we were walking down a small hill when Finn, my Golden boy, decided to do his stop, drop, and roll at my feet. He does this 5 or 6 times when we get to the grassy area, but usually, he is on my side or far enough in front that I can stop. This time, I couldn't stop, and I also had some momentum from the other two dogs pulling me downhill on their leashes. So, I catapulted head first into the ground - my arms were out at my sides holding the leashes. I landed on my nose and was wearing sunglasses which dug into the bridge of my nose. I heard a crunching sound in my neck. I had grass in my mouth. After I composed myself, I rolled over and sat up. I felt my teeth with my tongue to see if they were all still there and in one piece. My teeth were fine. I sat there for a bit and saw the three dogs in front of me, still on their leashes. Finn was behind Shelby and his expression said "I have no idea what just happened." Shelby came up and licked me on the face. I think she "got it." Tess also looked bewildered. We continued on the walk. I wish I had a video of the free fall, because I am sure it was funny.
I was happy to see 2014, although I didn't ring it in. I'm hoping for a better year and getting good CT scans and reversing the colostomy would be a great start. Wish me luck!
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