Is that a banana in your bag, or are you just happy to see me?

After the colonoscopy, I was ready to eat.  My brother and his wife, who have been taking me to all my appointments and procedures, took me out to eat after I was discharged. Discharge is a common theme in my saga. Nothing remarkable or funny happened during our meal, but 11 days later, I got a surprise. I had been stuffing papers from the doctors' offices in my purse and was digging them out to file. One of the papers was wet. I dug deeper to see what was down there and pulled out a very black, over ripe, would-have-been-good-for-banana-nut-bread banana. Like a boy scout, I am always prepared, and I had put a banana in my purse the day of the colonoscopy, so I would have something to eat as soon as I was awake. However, that had slipped my mind. So now, my purse smells like a banana, and it's not a nice smelling banana. In the big scheme of things, this isn't so terrible, but it's one more bad smell I can do without.

It is important to get copies of all your medical records as you see the various specialists and have tests and scans done. I have just started and already I have an impressive stack of papers, none of which smell like a banana, because I've been putting them in a manila folder instead of in my purse. Reading the results is a little disheartening. First, because I have no idea what the terms mean, and they sound ominous. "There is no biliary duct dilatation."  Is that good or bad? "There is stranding immediately adjacent to perirectal fat." Do I want stranding there? "This lesion is highly suspicious for malignancy." This one I understand. Second, because of the adjectives used. For example, on the colonoscopy summary, the doctor wrote that my "colon is otherwise unremarkable." I like to think that it is a very remarkable colon. What differentiates a remarkable colon from one like mine? I especially like this type of wording: "The mass abuts the levator sling with no separating fat plane," because it sounds like something from National Geographic Magazine. And the CT scan of my pelvis and abdomen said "There is a mass in the low pelvis which appear to be emanating from the inferior rectum." So now I not only have an unremarkable colon, but an inferior rectum. But I did take heart when I saw the report of the CT scan of my chest - apparently, cancer in the pelvic/rectal area metastasizes to the lungs, so they do a CT scan there as well.  It says that I'm a "63 year old woman with superior vaginal and rectal mass." So not everything about me is inferior and unremarkable!