Hand jive or Dr. BigHands gets down and dirty

I met with Dr. BigHands today, and he earned his name again. He warned me during my first exam many months ago that this exam would be very painful, and he was right. Thanks to the radiation, my vagina and rectum are apparently smaller, narrower, and less supple. I had to be physically (manually) examined in both my vagina and rectum. I almost broke his nurse's hand when I grabbed it and squeezed it, while he was doing his exams. First, was the vagina and he did a forceful 365 degree exam, then the rectum with the same process, then both simultaneously, but without the 365 degree turns. What fun! What glee! I'm pretty sure that for part of the exam, my ass totally lifted off the table. When I left, I asked the receptionists if they heard me yelling "Ouch, ouch, ouch!!!" during the exam, but apparently, the doors were thick enough to muffle my screams. 

I mentioned to him that I didn't think I'd be able to have sex again, so he told his nurse to get me some dilators which I had read about. You get varying sizes of these things that look like dildos without any curves (hallelujah!) and some lubricant and insert them for 10 minutes 3 times a week, trying to undo the radiation damage and increase the size of the vagina. She gave me two sizes and a tube of lubricant in a small brown bag, so that it looked like I was carrying a bottle of beer when I left. As I laid the brown bag down in the car, I was thinking about how it would look if the police pulled me over and wanted to see what was in the brown bag. I was hoping I had the instructions handy, so I could show them what they were for. 

After the painful exam, Dr. BigHands announced that the cancer was gone, and that he was very happy. I was happy, too, and I'll be even happier if the MRI scan in a few days confirms his findings. I will also get a CT scan later this month - the CT scan will show the lymph nodes and the MRI will show any mass that is there. And in mid-February, I will meet with the colorectal surgeon to see if she can reverse the colostomy. Dr. BigHands still stands by his prediction that I will have the colostomy forever, although, he said the fistula was actually smaller. I told him I still wanted to meet with her to see what she says. He said he would be delighted if she could reverse it, because then she could help a lot of his patients. 

My first trip to the bathroom when I got home was electrifying. When I started to pee, it felt like I was being stabbed, similar to what happened when my skin broke down during radiation, and the uric acid went in the open sores. So, I'll have to put some prescription cream on the "wound" and pour water between my legs when I pee to dilute the acid and reduce the pain. But, it's a small price to pay for the good news I got today.